After almost four years of marriage to my ex-husband Mark, he told me, in our living room in Fairbanks, Alaska, that he didn't love me as much as I loved him, and, that he never had. He said that he knew on the day we got married that it was not right for him and that it would not last.
I used to ask myself how I had been such a bad person, such a horrible wife to deserve no longer being loved. But, over time, I realized that it was not that he didn't love me or even that I did not deserve to be loved, but that he had not been true to himself back on May 26, 2001.
Had Mark been true to himself, which is a choice for all of us at all times, we both would have skipped the heartache of a failed marriage and a divorce. Would it have hurt me to be told on my wedding day that he didn't want to go through with it? Yes... My gosh, I know it would have, I am sure I would have been crushed, but neither of us would have then spent the time and energy on something he alone knew in his heart was not right for him.
I am very glad though, that, even after the almost four years, he did speak up. He would be doing a great disservice to himself and to me and all our friends and family if he was to remain longer in a marriage that he knew in his heart was a mistake.
I have, since February of 2006, been mired in thoughts and feelings and emotions which have been the culmination of closure to the healing that I have been processing through after my divorce. I have come to the conclusion after all of this that it is essential to be true to oneself. When I speak of being true to oneself, the above is the reasoning behind my philosophy. Being true to oneself at all times is the only way to perpetuate the movement of love in the world. There is always a kind a compassionate way to say everything we want and need to say, even if we know the outcome of those words is predestined to cause someone some amount of pain.
For me, the 'crushed' of being left at the alter would have been an entirely different kind of 'crushed' than being left in the living room, during a time when I thought all was well in my life and relationship.
In all circumstances, there is what is right and what is wrong. I think many people think about right and wrong as they were taught as children - the right and wrong of externalities; the "don't run with scissors" theory.
But life has shown me that right and wrong have to do with internal aspects as much as, if not more than, external exposures and forces.
Why did Mark marry me? I think he felt bound by guilt to a commitment he made in a time of his life when he was not being true to himself. He was finally able to make the realization that he had not been true to himself and he gained the courage to act upon it. I commend him for his actions in being instrumental in the perpetuation of love in this world. His honesty has not only freed me to explore the world as I have always desired, but it took Mark courage and searching which lead to realization on his part. It led to the truth. I admire those qualities in anyone.
As I pass through my life I will continually affirm that I feel it is best to live by the rule of being true to oneself. Because, you see, whichever path being true takes a person on is ultimately the right one. You inherently know what is right for you. We all do. The key is accepting that we carry that knowledge and then being brave enough to act upon it with kindness and compassion; which is the manifestation of love.
I used to ask myself how I had been such a bad person, such a horrible wife to deserve no longer being loved. But, over time, I realized that it was not that he didn't love me or even that I did not deserve to be loved, but that he had not been true to himself back on May 26, 2001.
Had Mark been true to himself, which is a choice for all of us at all times, we both would have skipped the heartache of a failed marriage and a divorce. Would it have hurt me to be told on my wedding day that he didn't want to go through with it? Yes... My gosh, I know it would have, I am sure I would have been crushed, but neither of us would have then spent the time and energy on something he alone knew in his heart was not right for him.
I am very glad though, that, even after the almost four years, he did speak up. He would be doing a great disservice to himself and to me and all our friends and family if he was to remain longer in a marriage that he knew in his heart was a mistake.
I have, since February of 2006, been mired in thoughts and feelings and emotions which have been the culmination of closure to the healing that I have been processing through after my divorce. I have come to the conclusion after all of this that it is essential to be true to oneself. When I speak of being true to oneself, the above is the reasoning behind my philosophy. Being true to oneself at all times is the only way to perpetuate the movement of love in the world. There is always a kind a compassionate way to say everything we want and need to say, even if we know the outcome of those words is predestined to cause someone some amount of pain.
For me, the 'crushed' of being left at the alter would have been an entirely different kind of 'crushed' than being left in the living room, during a time when I thought all was well in my life and relationship.
In all circumstances, there is what is right and what is wrong. I think many people think about right and wrong as they were taught as children - the right and wrong of externalities; the "don't run with scissors" theory.
But life has shown me that right and wrong have to do with internal aspects as much as, if not more than, external exposures and forces.
Why did Mark marry me? I think he felt bound by guilt to a commitment he made in a time of his life when he was not being true to himself. He was finally able to make the realization that he had not been true to himself and he gained the courage to act upon it. I commend him for his actions in being instrumental in the perpetuation of love in this world. His honesty has not only freed me to explore the world as I have always desired, but it took Mark courage and searching which lead to realization on his part. It led to the truth. I admire those qualities in anyone.
As I pass through my life I will continually affirm that I feel it is best to live by the rule of being true to oneself. Because, you see, whichever path being true takes a person on is ultimately the right one. You inherently know what is right for you. We all do. The key is accepting that we carry that knowledge and then being brave enough to act upon it with kindness and compassion; which is the manifestation of love.
posted by bleuniverse at 11:37 AM
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